Dear Donald Trump,
Since we down here at Hades Books believe that you will likely be residing in Hell for all eternity in your afterlife, it is with great pleasure that we present you with this GUIDE TO DANTE’S NINE CIRCLES OF HELL to help you navigate this perilous journey. Sure, it won’t be like living in Trump Tower or the White House, but one thing’s for certain — it will be one hell of ride!
First Circle of Hell: Limbo
Welcome, Mr. Trump! Your journey begins here in the First Circle, where unbaptized and virtuous pagans reside, like Virgil, Homer, Horace, Ovid, Socrates, Plato, and Cicero. These are exceptionally wise, intelligent guys so you won’t have much to talk about. Oh, and there’s no Twitter and you will have only one TV with all the channels set on CNN for eternity. But, don’t despair! Your journey is just beginning and look at it this way: not everyone is welcome in all Nine Circles of Hell. Well done!
Second Circle: Lust
Next, you will descend into the terrible wind-blown Second Circle of Hell, where the lustful and adulterous drift aimlessly in horrible discomfort, their bodies eternally fused together as punishment for their adultery and carnal sins. Tristan and Isolde! Cleopatra and Mark Anthony! You and Stormy Daniels! The bad news: your bodies will be constantly tossed back and forth by the howling winds of a violent storm for eternity. The good news: you’ll fit right in! Ha!
Third Circle: Gluttony
You’re next stop is the Third Circle, where the gluttonous wallow in the vile putrid slush, pelted by the icy rain in a storm of putrefaction as punishment for their voracious appetites. You’ll see Cerberus, the monstrous three-headed beast of Hell, who ravenously attacks gluttons lying in the freezing muck, mauling their bodies and flaying them with its evil claws. Fortunately, your stay here will be brief, but buckle up Buttercup because things are gonna get really sketchy from here! Haha!
Fourth Circle: Greed
Congratulations, Mr. Trump! You’ve made it to the Fourth Circle, which is reserved for greedy con men, scam artists, and cheats condemned to spend eternity fighting one another over money and material things. The good news: you will see many family members and familiar faces here, but don’t get too excited because your journey is far from over!
Fifth Circle: Anger
Here, in the vile pestilent waters of the River Styx, the raging angry and wrathful scream and snarl at one another on the slimy, stinking surface as the passively wrathful writhe at the bottom of the foul, putrid marsh, “sullenly gurgling their hatreds” and unable to even breathe for the rage that smothers and chokes them. Sounds bad, we know! But as far as Hell goes, it’s not that bad, as you’ll see! Haha!
Sixth Circle: Heresy
Welcome to the Sixth Circle, Mr Trump, where heretics spend eternity entombed in small fiery crypts, the thick smoldering air choked with burning ashes and anguished wails of the eternally damned. And you thought Capital Hill was bad! Ha!
Seventh Circle: Violence
We have to be honest here, Mr. Trump: Dante was kind of a prick when he created this circle, but we hope you can understand why. In the outer ring, you’ll see war-makers, plunderers, and tyrants submerged in a river of fire and boiling blood. In the inner ring, occupied by blasphemers, sodomites, and prostitutes, you will mount the back of Geyron, the grotesque Monster of Fraud, and begin your descent to the Hell of the Fraudulent and Malicious! The bad news: Dante wasn't messing around with all this divine retribution and justice stuff. The good news: you will once again see many family members and familiar faces!
Eighth Circle: Fraud
Ah, yes! The Hell of the Fraudulent, where corrupt politicians are immersed in a Great Well of vile boiling pitch, guarded by demons that tear them to pieces with claws if they rise too high above the foul, pestilent surface. Here, you will see liars, perjurers, counterfeits and thieves trapped in a vast desert of burning sand and fiery rain pelting them from the burning sky for all eternity! Now, we probably shouldn’t say this, but we hope that you would take it as a compliment if we said that Dante couldn’t have designed a more perfect circle for you — except for maybe the next one! Ha!
Ninth Circle: Treachery
Congratulations, Mr. Trump! You’ve made it to the final, deepest level occupied by history’s greatest traitors eternally submerged in a frozen lake as punishment for their treachery and betrayal of country and kin! That’s right! You’ll see some real assholes down here, like Satan himself, whose giant wings flap violently, producing winds that howl through the other circles keeping the ice frozen.
As you reach the Center of Hell, you’ll see that Satan has three horrible faces and three horrible mouths gushing with foaming blood as they chew for all eternity on three of the greatest traitors in human history. That’s right! Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus with a kiss, and Brutus and Cassius, who murdered Julius Caesar in the Roman Senate! Traitors against country! Traitors against kin! All eternally damned in this frigid pit of despair!!!
As you reach the Center of Hell, you’ll see that Satan has three horrible faces and three horrible mouths gushing with foaming blood as they chew for all eternity on three of the greatest traitors in human history. That’s right! Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus with a kiss, and Brutus and Cassius, who murdered Julius Caesar in the Roman Senate! Traitors against country! Traitors against kin! All eternally damned in this frigid pit of despair!!!
And there you have it! We sincerely hope that this guide will be helpful on your journey, and, remember! When the time for your afterlife of arrives, just kick back, relax, and enjoy the ride! Good luck!!!
